Ramblings of a mad wo-man

There are a million thoughts in my head so I decided to swype (because I am on the telefono) them all out and free space in my head. This probably is a bunch of jibber jabber nonsense, but so is most of what I say so I am sure this is no surprise. There is a lady with a soft pink soft jacket that I need. It's 100 smackeroos. It just occurred to me that I am old enough to stop calling people girls and start calling them ladies. It was also really hard to type lady instead of girl.....but back to my completely made up story. I would never spend that much on a jacket but I have dreams of kidnapping it (we don't like to use the word steal because kidnapping sounds less wrong when talking about inanimate objects). However she is way smaller than me so it wouldn't fit and then I would be sad. I fully expect her to say nice things about it not fitting even though I jacked her shit. If she doesn't it would be held for ransom.

Someone else has walked in trying on a bunch of hats in order to find the perfect hat to keep his head warm. I like the blues and grays. Now that he is on his 30th hat I can't help but to think how many people have tried on those hats. I hope he doesn't get lice. Luckily he's a boy so he can just shave his head but he's also a fashion conscientious boy and I am not sure that bald is in. Oh crap he's not a boy....he's a man. See what I mean!

Dr. Doofensmurt Evil Incorporated

It has been way to long since I blogged. It hasn't even occurred to me that I needed to. You know why....I am tired, exhausted. I have so much to do that I cannot even think about all of the goals I previously made. My goal was to lose weight and become more organized and now I am just happy to find time to get basic cleaning done. I work 7 days a week and when I am off I just try to find the energy to play with my kid. When I spend the day cleaning I feel like I am missing time. I did manage to lose about 20 pounds but it was all stress, depression, and being to broke to afford fast food. However, I am much less stressed and depressed so I think it came back. I am not sure though. I haven't weighed myself. I don't really want to know. Things are getting back on track but free time is still not something I have. I took a week off school and planned to spring clean but I have not gotten much accomplished and my week is almost over. I guess I should have taken a week off work too. That is not really an option. I am just tired. I want to crawl under the covers and take a nap. I want to lay on the couch and catch up on the DVR before my cable goes away. I do not want to do the sink full of dishes, I do not want to clean the front room. I have one hour to get it done before I pick up the kids, help with homework, make dinner, and heading to work occurs so I need to stop distracting myself with Phineas and Ferb and blogs. How do you motivate yourself? How do you get things done when you have zero energy?

Trying to Be Positive

I have decided that I need to take steps to be more positive...and therefore hopefully happier. Not to say I am not happy now, but anyone can get in a habit of dwelling on the bad things and this creates a lot of negative energy. Let's face it, times are tough and sometimes bad things seem to pile up and happen all at once. However, I feel that it is important to either try and see the positive in your situation or find something you have learned from that situation and try to make that your positive. Every cloud has a silver lining. Sometimes it is just tough trying to find it. Sometimes you may not even know that the particular situation is doing something to help shape who you will become. Dwelling on bad things is tough on me. It makes me feel sick, anxious, and depressed. I really just don't want to do it anymore. I need to stop caring what others think, stop taking things so personally, and begin to realize that the only person's approval I need is my own. So, these are the steps I think I need to change in order to be in a more positive place.

1. No gossiping.


Let's admit it. Gossiping is something that most people are guilty of. It is a distraction from things that are happening in your life. However, it can be hurtful and it stems off of negative energy. Sometimes though it is a good stress relief....so is there a happy medium? Yes, I think so. This is where guilty pleasures come in. Celebrities and reality shows. I am sure it is hurtful sometimes when a celebrity, or someone on a reality show, hears people say things about them. However, if you are sitting around talking with your friends then there is little to no chance of them knowing anything. I think it is a bad idea to go on a public forum and blast them. For example, the people who go on a celebrity fan page to blast their dislike is not a good way for me to stop being negative. However, I don't think sitting around with the friends talking about your opinions of this weeks Teen Mom is really going to do much harm. If all I have to say is bad things though then this may be an activity I also need to cut out. Baby steps though....baby steps. I am going to try my best effort to not engage in gossip. If people are sitting around talking about another person then I have to just walk away. Remember that game you played as a child when you stood in a line and whispered in someones ear?  By the time it got to the end of the line it was always something completely different. This is because people hear things differently based on their perceptions. Gossiping often involves overstepping into someones privacy. This leads to a loss of trust. Think of the biggest gossip you know: Do you trust them with your personal business? Often times not but sometimes we get so involved in gossip that we end up telling this person something in order to get his/her trust so we can hear more. I just really cannot see a single good thing that can come from gossiping can can name at least 5 (probably more if I had to) bad things about it.

2. When listening to others tell about their problems try to help focus on the positive.

If someone needs to talk and vent to me then I shall either just listen or help them through their problem by trying to help them see the positive. I think I am already pretty good about this. I am also pretty sure it annoys most people that I do this because I am the jerk that is crashing the pity party. This is not to say that I don't throw some pretty raging pity parties of my own. However, it is time to outgrow this party lifestyle which is why I am making a list. (It may also be because I like to make lists). The point I am trying to make is that when a person tells you all their problems and you help them dwell on all the bad things then you are feeding into negativity. In case you are just tuning in, I am trying to not be negative anymore so I am stepping away from co-dependency. I also think I am doing you a disservice if I help you to focus on the bad, even if that is what you think you want. You'll thank me one day, or you'll run away kicking and screaming and find somebody else to feed into it.  I am going to try and avoid negativity as much as humanely possible. This may sound hard because negativity is everywhere and it is basically impossible to not be around negative people. However, just because people around you are negative does not mean that you need to go on a giant friend and family cut ( I mean if that works for you then do your thing but I refuse to turn my back on people I care about because they don't want to be just like me). I just have to not get sucked in. Try to stay positive. Put my little bubble on and just keep swimming. I do not have to defend everything because who really cares if they agree with me. My favorite part about people is how different they are and I have no interest in being friends with a bunch of puppets. I love that people have different opinions from me. It leads to a lot of interesting conversations. However, when they want to be negative I can easily push it aside and concentrate on something that will not drain all of my energy. I am not saying that I don't want people to talk to me if they need someone to talk to. I am just saying I don't want to hear you say how terrible everything is and how it is never going to be better 10 billion times without any interest in how to try and improve your situation. Basically, if you are wanting someone to agree with you about how much everything sucks I am probably not the best person to come to because I will probably name 30 solutions to your problem while you are telling me why they all just couldn't possibly work. Maybe I should stop trying to give solutions to people who are obviously not going to listen or even try to hear a solution? I could listen to the problem say I am sorry you feel bad and then move on, or maybe offer one solution to see if they really want a solution or someone to join in their negativity. If I don't go on about it then there is no reason for the person to continue to tell me why the everything will always be bad. I could use an opinion on this.

3. Stop complaining

This is a really bad habit of mine. I have a headache. I have too much to do. WaWaWa. I complain way too much. However, I suppose if I want to be a happy person I need to stop. I mean why do you want to hear about every single time I have a headache. I probably gave myself a headache from complaining too much. When I complain I seem to get stuck on the complaint and instead of wasting time complaining about it I need to instead find a solution to fix it. It is hard to improve something I don't like if I am using all my energy being upset about it. Any ideas on how to stop being such a compulsive complainer? I guess I just need to be aware and not do it. I need to try and think of how it could always be worse and try to find that silver lining.

Being negative is draining all of my energy and it is preventing me from accomplishing things. I need to make myself do better because I know I am capable of it. I mean who doesn't want to be happy? I have a lot of good in my life right now and it is important to focus on them. The rest will fall in place.

Thought of Randomness

I kind of stopped blogging for a few days because I was a bit tired of talking about eating and exercising. It is kind of boring to write about and lately I have been feeling really imaginative and daydreaming my life away. Reality is just not fun to write about. If you must know, I did go to the gym a couple times, I did get a treadmill I have used a few times, I am eating better food but I am not doing so well with cutting back. I tend to get really hungry at night....Okay bla bla bla that is enough of that boringness.

So, I have been thinking a lot about my past writings and how I wished they were still around. When I was in about 6th or 7th grade I decided that I was going to write my life story. I had just read one of the Little House books (probably for the 18th million time) and decided it would be very interesting to write about my life so that girls my age in the future would know how life was. I was in complete denial then that the Little House books were in the fiction section for a reason. My book got to be about 3 pages long before I had told my whole story and that my life was pretty ordinary and boring. Still, I wish I had kept that notebook because it would be very interesting to see how I had perceived my life back then. I also had to write a poem book my sophomore year in high school. I was in a bit of a dark place then and was told they were rather good. I also have to say I usually am my most creative when I am sad, angry, and depressed so it might have actually been good to read.....and if it wasn't good I could at least have a laugh about it. However, I was embarrassed that they had so much feeling in them and threw them away. Why did I have to be such a self conscience teenager? The last thing I would love to read is the note passing book that my friend Kori and I had. It was no great literary work or anything, but it would be extremely hilarious and I am pretty sure it would be useful to occasionally pull out on bad days and have something to laugh about. 

The reason I have been thinking about this so much lately is that I do not have a lot of memories of my childhood. I can remember basics but it seems like everyone has way more specific memories then I did. Maybe if I would have kept something to help remind me then it may come back, or maybe my first "life story" hit the nail on the head about the fact that maybe there is nothing too exciting to remember. I have weird glimpses of memory though that I wish I understood what it meant. I have a memory of a fire and it being night. I have no idea if my house was on fire, a friends house was on fire, I happened to have rode past a house that was on fire, or if maybe I just had a dream about a fire. I think I might just obsess over this because I want to remember something exciting. That and I way over think basically everything. I guess I am done rambling now. 

Revisions

I have decided that my list of things I need to do this week followed with the how I did statement (and another list) is basically boring me to tears. I need new approach. The problem is I list everything out and then what happens? Just the worlds largest child meltdown in the history of my mommyhood on the very first day. Follow that with doctor appointments, sick babies, and the distraction of pinning all the things i want to do (but probably won't even do half) and I am bound to fail. So it's the first day of my list and I have failed to do anything on it but write my paper (and even that was 3 minutes late). The smart thing would be to move on and try again the next day......but oh no not me. I have to be an over achiever and tell myself i will do it all the next day. That shouldn't be too hard. Tuesday is my self proclaimed no schoolwork day (well I have to read Tuesday but no actual work of the school is to be involved). I did manage to ge my donation station done. It is basically a blue crate with a rack thing next to it.

The rest of the week I got all the basic house cleaning done. I went for a walk once, and I feel like I mostly followed my diet except for the occasional slip ups. I decided that I will still make myself to do list but maybe just take it a day at a time. I will just give summaries of how I feel I have been doing. This will keep me from getting overly discouraged when life presents me with bumps in the road. That way I am focusing on the positive and not the negative. Also, who wants to read a list. That sounds ridiculously boring. Alrighty well off to bed I go.

Baby Steps

This week has been super frustrating, but I think it has taught me a lot. First off being that I need to get out of this slump I am in. I have been eating pretty well (if you do not count today) but my exercising and organization efforts have failed miserably. I have decided that I have two problems. One: I am slightly depressed so that really diminishes all of my willpower. Second: I am really anxious about all these changes and that makes me reluctant to start them.

I have decided that next week I am going to make an appointment to see if I might get some of this stuff figured out. In the meantime, I need to make a plan for next week.......so here it goes.

Monday-Write paper, Mackenzie has an appointment, make my donation station that I was supposed to make a month ago!, put up laundry, plan dinner for the week (the Mon-Fri portion of it anyways).
Tuesday-No schoolwork day,  clean off top of fridge, bookshelf, dressers, and filing cabinet, and dust, deep clean front room and basic chores, 45 minutes of zumba, board game with kids
Wednesday-Read 2 chapters, Deep clean dining room, Declutter top shelf of one closet, 45 minutes of zumba
Thursday-do discussion board questions and responses, Deep clean kitchen, Go through spice cabinet and throw away old and expired spices, start grocery list and menu plan for next week, if weather is nice go to park and if it isn't make a obstacle course in house.
Friday-Deep clean bathroom, start on paper and 2 responses, Babysit one of my favorite kids day (so in other words I am giving myself permission to play most the day, put all cans together on can shelf
Saturday- I work 12 hours, 2 responses, movie night, throw away old freezer burned food. Write summary of how I did and start plan for next week.

If I come back one more time and have not done these things you should yell at me......I know i have been sick for 3 weeks but maybe if I got off my butt I would feel better.

And This Is Your Weekly Report

So...it has been a week. My sickies are mostly gone even though I am still coughing a ridiculous amount. I have done pretty good in the eating well department until today (stupid girl scout cookies). I also got Zumba on the Wii this week and have exercised twice this week. The goal is 3 times but I have only had the game 3 days and I wasn't home one night to do it. The game came with a free week of Zumba classes at 25 hour fitness but I am definitely not ready to show off my awesome coordination and rhythm in public. I am mostly proud of myself for the amount of green veggies I have eaten this week and the fact that I have only talked myself into buying candy once this week. My brain likes to trick me and convince me that since there are peanuts in peanut M&Ms that they are not as unhealthy as most candy. I have read the calories on the package. It is only true by 2 calories (which basically means it isn't true). I have not lost any weight this week but I have also not gained. I am hoping next week I exercise more. I was going to plan a big list of things for me to do for this week, but since it is final week I should probably just throw in some goals I can accomplish......

Goals for this week:
Get my schoolwork done
Exercise 3 times
Drink 120 ounces of water a day
Go back and do the week 1 declutter stuff that I did not finish.
Put up this mountain of laundry that has accumulated (I obviously hate laundry....with a passion).

Alright.....I will get back with you to see how I did.

First Week Success (Or Lack There Of)

So....the firtst week ended Saturday and it is now Monday and I don't even have a plan for this week yet. I have been sick since last Wednesday. Pretty much nothing has gotten accomplished and I should have a plan up for this week, but am still feeling exhausted so I am guessing that isn't happening today. I think I am going to take a break until all my antibiotics are gone and I feel better. I can restart next week and just pretend it is the first all over again. I do plan to keep eating good and drinking a lot of water this week though. I did lose 2 pounds last week but I am pretty sure that is mainly because my throat hurt too bad to eat any sort of solid food. Still, I only had 2 pops all week so I am pretty proud of myself as far as that goes.....I really need to bring a water bottle to work because buying a Dasani is more than I want to pay and the pop machine calls my name when I am thirsty. I guess I will be checking back in on Saturday or Sunday with my new plan....see ya then.

Sadface

The past two days I have accomplished nothing. I got my required schoolwork done but that is it. Also, my head is about to explode and I can't stop coughing. In good news, I might actually lose weight because I can't eat anything but soup and things covered in hot sauce. I ate amazingly yesterday and was very proud of myself. I came home and then just slept and I slept more this morning and this afternoon. Then this afternoon we had to go look at some cars for Bill (not quite sure why I had to go). Later I went to work and then came home. This boring story was going somewhere but not quite sure where now. Hopefully tomorrow is better. I am 3 chapters behind on my reading, and I think I have another. Bill is getting sick now though so I am not promising anything. If both of us are sick then it is going to be a very long day. Now to go burn my throat with tea so it will be numb and I can sleep. Complain session is over now.

Good Day

Today I did good on everything but the lose weight stuff. Right after I posted yesterday I hurt my shoulder somehow and it hurts terribly! I cannot move it without pain. Icy hot is my best friend today. This means that exercising was not happening. I did run back and forth from the front room to the kitchen about 10 times because it made the baby laugh. If she laughs at all the exercise I do then I will be skinny in no time. I did good with breakfast and lunch but by 5 I had totally failed. I ate a pop tart and about 4 pieces of pizza instead of the salad I was supposed to have. However, it is a couple hours until bedtime and I have no desire to snack so I suppose that is good. I did not drink as much water as I was supposed to, but I still have not had any pop. I did awesome on the decluttering and cleaning goals. My front room and dining room are cleaned, and I was supposed to dust and clean the tops of my cabinets and fridge. It is a good idea that I added the fridge to that idea because I do not have tops of cabinets. Hey...I didn't make the decluttering list. I feel like now I should put the link I use for the decluttering calendar so the person who wrote it gets credit, so here it is: http://www.mysimplerlife.com/2012/Decluttercalendar2012.pdf. I am guessing that I have not cleaned off the top of my fridge in years. When my son was smaller when we took things away we put them on the fridge because otherwise he would just go take them back. Putting them on top of the fridge saved us a giant battle. Well.......I guess a few things never got returned to him. I found two kids music cds, Shrek 2, The Laurie Berkenr Band dvd, and 2 PSP games. Poor kid doesn't even have a PSP anymore (and hasn't in quite a few years). I was supposed to read two chapters today. I read one chapter and now I am going to read the other one and then go to bed. So good night, sweat dreams, and all that good stuff.

First couple of days

So for the first day I was supposed to think of who I wanted to be. To be quite honest, I am mostly fine with who I am. If I did have to change something though I would like to be more productive and I would like to complain less. I want to be a more productive less complaining version of myself. The other thing I was supposed to do was read....weeeeelll I was dying because of New Years eve celebrating so I put it all off. Today I did very well. For breakfast I had a bowl of oatmeal, a spinach salad for lunch, and am about to eat some chicken stew type of thing. It has chicken, brown rice, cabbage, carrots, celery, and corn cooked in chicken broth. I weighed myself today and that made me sad but motivated me at the same time. I have decided I need to lose 40 pounds and not 30. I got all the laundry done, have a plan for my donation station but need a paycheck to complete it. I do have an idea for it to be done temporarily and will be labeling everything after dinner. That means everything has been completed but reading. I am planning on doing that after Pretty Little Liars tonight. (priorities haha). Guess I will check back in a couple of days. I have to say I am pretty proud of myself so far especially considering I have a very cranky baby. ......Oh, last of all, I have drank a ton of water today but still feel ridiculously thirsty.....any idea why?