He's Just Not That Into Me

I have been with the same person for close to 13 years. We aren't married but have 3 kids together. During this time I have spent way too much time trying to get him to .....well basically just treat me like I existed. I was 18 when we got together and 19 when we had our first child. I know that some of the reason for him being so closed off is my fault. I used to be impatient, insecure, and just mean. I try really hard to be a good person but I treated him terribly. I didn't even realize I was doing it until it was too late. Don't get me wrong he was no angel and has the name grumpy guy for a reason. He has somehow managed to avoid a serious conversation for our entire relationship. Imagine how frustrating it is to try and fix issues in your relationship when the other person just walks away, refuses to talk about it, and tells you that you are just trying to start a fight. Then the conversation never gets revisited. It's not surprising that I got so frustrated and acted the way I did. That does not make my behavior okay.

I have realized my mistakes and have tried so hard to make them right. I have put a good amount of effort everyday trying to do something to show that I want this.

I got nothing in return. Nothing is changing and when I try to discuss it I am told that is just the way he is and I am trying to change him. This hurts because I am not trying to change him but just trying to feel important. I am trying to feel loved. I am trying to feel relevant. So now is where I give up. It's where I have to realize that I can't fix this alone. This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. It sucks. I've been between crying and trying to force a smile for days. However, a part of me is thankful that I am blessed enough that this is one of the worst things to happen to me because it could be so much worse. There are people that have to deal with much harder things in life. That thought kind of makes it easier. I know that this part of my life will be hard but I am strong and I will come out okay, and no matter how hard it is I know it's time to move on.

Grumpy Guy takes a Survey but doesn't Know It

I found a survey I gave grumpy guy in the beginning of Facebook days without him knowing about it. I thought I would share.

In the beginning of Facebook days my spelling was terrible....ignore that.

45 ODD things about you. If you opened this.. FILL IT OUT!Learn 45 things about your friends and let them learn things about you!
1. Do you like blue cheese?
on chicken wings

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? no

3. Do you own a gun?
what the fuck kinda stupid question is that....several

4. What flavor do you add to your drink?
nothin

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? fuck kinda stupid question is that

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
nothing they're alright

7. Favorite Christmas movies? rudolph

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
milk

9. Can you do push-ups?
not to good anymore

10. What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
STUPID! i don't where jewelry (then he lit his fart)

11. What is your favorite hobby?
don't have one right at the moment

12. What is one trait that you love about yourself?
is this fuckin therapy? 

13. What is one trait you dislike about yourself?
bein lazy

14. Middle name?
what the fuck kinda stupid question is that? u should know that

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
1. garbage
2. garbage
3.garbage

16. Name 3 things you bought today:
cigarettes, gas, crap

17. Name 4 drinks you regularly drink:
pop, milk, water, I"M BUSY!

18. What you are worried about? how many gigs that is...that ones a 20 seems to be workin

19. What do you hate right now?
ur mom (he doesn't really hate you mom)

20. Favorite place to be?
hawaii

21. How did you bring in the New Year?
I think i went to bed at like 10:30

22. Where would you like to go?
i don't care...to the garbage dump

23. Name two people who will complete this?
n/a

24. Do you own slippers?
Fuck no!

26. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
I don't give a shit

27. Favorite color?
blue...u should know that to

28. Would you be a pirate?
hell yea! in a heartbeat

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
none

30. Favorite girl's name?
don't know...i don't have one

31. Favorite boy's name? dirt

32. What is in your pocket right now?
i don't have any pockets

33. Last person that made you laugh?
david

34. Best bed sheets as a child?
wizard of oz

35. Worst injury you have ever had?
broken wrist

36.. Do you love where you live?
kind of

37. How many TVs do you have?3

38. Who is your loudest friend?
mike...dirt

39. What is your fav book?(making noises) i don't have one

40. Favorite season?
spring

41. Favorite holiday? fourth of july

42. How many friends could you call your BEST friends?
Four or five

43. What song do you want played at your funeral? i don't know

44. What were you doing at midnight?
sleepin

45. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?coffee.

Ode to Thank You'.....Sorta

You know what is awkward for me about online classes....That last week when you have to say your final thoughts. Its supposed to be a way to bring attention to what you have learned during the class. The purpose of this is so that if Joe learned something that you didn't catch, then it will help you learn about it right before the end of class. This doesn't actually happen because instead of a test you wrote a paper and right now you do not need to know that info (unless it is interesting, then it works).....Anyways back to my original thought. This week also brings a lot of thank you's and I wish you the best of luck's. This is awesome! You should say thank you and good luck. However, in an online class you have an audience. It isn't just a side conversation when you say oh it was great being in class with you, I wish you the best of luck, hope I see you in the future. Nope, those you don't have an audience for...well in less you are someone who prefers an audience. Since there is an audience every thank you has to be more extravagant then the last. What was once a simple thank you turns into poetry. There are some people though that come out with the most amazing thank you's. These people are the people that are comfortable in situations like this. They flourish. I am not one of those flourishers. This is what happens to me:  I have a bunch of people reading my every word, I want the other person to know I am thankful, and I freeze. Because all of those people are watching I am more aware of what I am doing. Then since it is a situation that is not within my comfort level it is very hard to know what to say.  This is why this week is so awkward for me. I am all about being polite and saying thank you but I need to do it on my own! I do not do well with thank you's. I might take time sending out my thank you cards, but they are very heartfelt when you get them.....well unless I haven't really opened myself up to you. Not going to get all mushy with just anyone. I am not a whore. In this public forum with everyone watching I have to force out a thank you. I can't even properly force one when no one is watching. I don't even fake orgasms how am I going to fake a thank you WITH an audience. I usually just write a plain old thank you and throw in a few extra exclamation points. To the people that do flourish, I really enjoy reading them. A small part of me is a total hater because I do not work that well on the spot. Still, most of me just enjoys reading it. Still, I have no idea how to respond to any of these posts that will be enough words to make participation points!

How to motivate a.....hey look shiny!

I promised today I would have a blog but today is crazy busy ( and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact I slept until noon) so it will be posted from my phone. Hopefully swype doesn't fail me too badly. You will not be able to tell the difference because I am not the awesome blogger that uses all the cool pictures and graphics.....well I can insert pictures and make Kori make me graphics but she has been busy motivating me all week so I think she deserves time off. Don't you? Who is Kori you ask? Well she happens to be the bestie. She heard I wanted to get serious with my blogging so she got into high gear and started working on her own. She made a blog all about me just to motivate me you guys! You can read it here :<br>
http://lackadaisicalcrafter.blogspot.com/2013/01/motivation-for-others.html?m=1<br>
Then there has been a post everyday since then that basically says see how easy this is. You can do it! Well those are her intentions but its also sprinkled with I am awesome, I am winning this blog writing thing. That might sound weird....but it works. This is probably because she knows me better than anyone and you know what motivates me......competition. I hate sports, I could care less about winning video games or board games, but if I say I am going to be awesome at something and then you are awesome first well then my brain goes into ah hell no mode. That is how I am motivated and that is why this blog is done today and not next week. Also since she wrote a blog about me I felt I should return the favor. Check her out. It's a crafting blog and one day she will actually talk about crafting but while we wait patiently she is funny. I might be biased though. While I was writing this a bunch of side thoughts popped in my head. I decided to save them until the end. I should have probably wrote them down because I lost them. The munchkin decided to take her diaper off and since it wasn't wet I thought oh well she needs to sit on the potty......apparently it meant that she wanted to be naked. My distraction made me lose my distraction and now she is about to bust her noggin climbing on all the stuff so I should probably go.

No Rest for the Wicked

Sometimes my brain goes to a creative place where my brain feels like there is a massive amount of information flowing through it but I have no idea what it means or what to do with it. Does this make any sense to anyone but me? I feel like I should be creative but not sure how. Also, I am not even sure what I am thinking because there is so much going on in there. When this happens most generally I make plans, to do lists, google a million recipes, make a menu plan, an organizationional plan, and etc. I will likely be up for hours with my plans. Only tonight I cannot figure out what exactly I should be doing. It's times like this I wonder if I have the whole manic thing that so many before me have.....or maybe I just over think things. It doesn't really happen enough for me to consider a professional but tonight its driving me crazy. I feel like I need to be doing something but there is nothing to do except cleaning could always be done. The only problem is that I can think of three things that need cleaned : dishes, laundry, and the walls. Dishes would wake up the sick, grumpy guy that has to work tomorrow. Laundry wakes the baby.....and as soon as the kid spending the night tells his mom that his friend's mom stays up all night scrubbing walls then she thinks I am some sort of meth head and never let's him come back. So I just decided to write my thoughts down. How do you occupy your time when everyone is sleeping and you are wide awake?

Ramblings of a mad wo-man

There are a million thoughts in my head so I decided to swype (because I am on the telefono) them all out and free space in my head. This probably is a bunch of jibber jabber nonsense, but so is most of what I say so I am sure this is no surprise. There is a lady with a soft pink soft jacket that I need. It's 100 smackeroos. It just occurred to me that I am old enough to stop calling people girls and start calling them ladies. It was also really hard to type lady instead of girl.....but back to my completely made up story. I would never spend that much on a jacket but I have dreams of kidnapping it (we don't like to use the word steal because kidnapping sounds less wrong when talking about inanimate objects). However she is way smaller than me so it wouldn't fit and then I would be sad. I fully expect her to say nice things about it not fitting even though I jacked her shit. If she doesn't it would be held for ransom.

Someone else has walked in trying on a bunch of hats in order to find the perfect hat to keep his head warm. I like the blues and grays. Now that he is on his 30th hat I can't help but to think how many people have tried on those hats. I hope he doesn't get lice. Luckily he's a boy so he can just shave his head but he's also a fashion conscientious boy and I am not sure that bald is in. Oh crap he's not a boy....he's a man. See what I mean!

Dr. Doofensmurt Evil Incorporated

It has been way to long since I blogged. It hasn't even occurred to me that I needed to. You know why....I am tired, exhausted. I have so much to do that I cannot even think about all of the goals I previously made. My goal was to lose weight and become more organized and now I am just happy to find time to get basic cleaning done. I work 7 days a week and when I am off I just try to find the energy to play with my kid. When I spend the day cleaning I feel like I am missing time. I did manage to lose about 20 pounds but it was all stress, depression, and being to broke to afford fast food. However, I am much less stressed and depressed so I think it came back. I am not sure though. I haven't weighed myself. I don't really want to know. Things are getting back on track but free time is still not something I have. I took a week off school and planned to spring clean but I have not gotten much accomplished and my week is almost over. I guess I should have taken a week off work too. That is not really an option. I am just tired. I want to crawl under the covers and take a nap. I want to lay on the couch and catch up on the DVR before my cable goes away. I do not want to do the sink full of dishes, I do not want to clean the front room. I have one hour to get it done before I pick up the kids, help with homework, make dinner, and heading to work occurs so I need to stop distracting myself with Phineas and Ferb and blogs. How do you motivate yourself? How do you get things done when you have zero energy?